As i curled up in my chair at the hospital, shivering and sweating, it all came back to my head... the most horrible wave of fear so far this year...
Yesterday, I took a friend to get the results of a med test, and it is now confirmed that he has a weird case of herpes....
I was sitting in my chair, staring at the ceiling like " how am i gonna get out of this ? "
I must be one of the most paranoidically cursed men in the world when it comes to stds... those bitches ruined my sex life and i need to get those images outta my head...
I might get turned from a distance but get me close to a naked body and i swear its like a hammer, the std nightmare hits me and takes control of my body... with every lick, the hammer hits me on the head and all i can hear is "std ", i can count the number of times i went wild during sex (especially oral) and let my hormones take control...
i'm like : " forget being the freakiest man in the world, im not gonna learn from a piece of paper that i have to carry some kinda disease all my life, especially something like herpes that i might not notice for years... " but at the same time am i also never gonna enjoy sex with no std thoughts ?
Sometimes i pray to have the thoughts during sex, because if i get them AFTER, then it aint a nightmare anymore, its REAL, its a mix of guilt, fear and remorse and i get cold and have trouble finding sleep...
These past months, thanks to the tender loving care of my teddy bear, i thought i was on the good path to get some kinda cure but events like this, a close friend stuck with that herpes bullshit, make me go back to the start....
Is everybody else enjoying life innocently ? Am i the only one cringing when i see raw porn and spit swapping? How the #%@ do i get out of this ?
Me
- Soldier
- A lost soldier looking for a path that could lead somewhere i belong.
Just...
... a little
OUTNEXT
... dreaming
5 comments:
I totally understand where you are coming from and condoms are not 100% safe. But honestly, I just trust that I am having the safest sex possible and i only have sex with one person at a time. Now what he is doing is beyond me...my hope is that its only me, but I am not with him every waking moment. I say you take a chance, sometimes jerking off with someone can be not as satisfying, but can still give satisfaction.
hmm..u have a strange case..im not scared for the porn ppl..i figure they already have it but i wont put myself in that situation..hell no...but be safe don't be paranoid...get tested regularly...
I feel you on this. Its like you never know what the person you are laying down with has. Even if you get tested there are those "windows" and time lapses.
I'm with "Thoughts" and try to only have sex with one person at a time. That way if I ever caught something I know what to do with that hammer you were talking about in your post...beat them upside the head with it. lol
thanks for your input guys...
the problem is that, especially when it comes to my health and safety, i have almost no trust in other people... and im working on that... im only havin sex with one man, and it'd be a great proof of love to spare him my paranoia lol
i't's a work in (slow) progress
The way things are these days when it comes to getting STDs, I don't blame you for being a bit paranoid about it. I swore after I got tested for "The clap" in 2006 that I'd never have sex again. But I wound up taking a chance and who knew a month later, I'd be on the path of doing it with only one guy. Now I'm hopeful he's only doing it with me but you can never tell.
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