1 year...

... took me to the 4 corners of this world.

Showed me the best & the worst in human nature.

Made me wonder what my purpose in this life could be.

Allowed me to understand how much power i have.

...

Let me gather my thoughts and i'll be back. hopefully.

It sucks to be a hero

It felt like a giant magnet was pulling my world its way...

As i opened my eyes, i saw the room spin for a second then my eyes got heavy.

And the pressure... it felt like my brain was crushing my whole system on its way out of my head.

Maybe i had just blinked or i fell back asleep and woke up a second time but things suddenly got different :

I was being pulled out of bed by something that was stronger than me.
I was floating above the ground, zooming on every detail of my surroundings.
My eyes were wide open and i was scared.

Then something started burning my eyes... after a second i opened them again and realized it was only the sun. and i was outside. But never had the sun been so bright.

As it always was, Nature was just there... frozen.
Only this time it was pale, strange as if the sun was only shining on me... i felt the stares as if everything was paused until something specific happened.... to me.

Then came that sound, that low sound, that weird sound, that vicious sound that would haunt me like a restless ghost forever.

Right then and there i felt it, my body was cold, i couldn't move and whatever " it " was, it was getting closer... and closer... and closer...

.. and closer ...

... until IT happened

I had no idea what it was but i knew it was terrible and it would leave a deep scar.

As i looked down at my body to make sure i was still alive, i saw it. on my arm.

I looked up to the sky and knew that the second i lowered my head nothing would ever be the same.

Right here in the North Pole i was the first eskimo... to ever get bit by a mosquito.

***

Oh God... those first seconds when you're the only one to know something terrible is coming your way and you realize the weight that has just been put on your shoulders...

It sucks to be a hero

Today....

... i cried the 22 years of tears that my body was holding ...

No tragedy happened and i'm so thankful to god but unfortunately it means that some people around me will get their fair share of some of the pain i let go of...

Usually by the time they know what's going on, i'd already be over it and they'd once again feel like i'm cold and selfish... and once again i'd feel trapped because sometimes for many reasons you just can't explain things to people even when their eyes start to water...

But this time, i will take the time to express my true feelings to each of them because honesty is by far the best gift i'll ever have for them... By sparing too many people " just a little pain ", i've accumulated so much... I know pain... and i spent so much energy trying as much as i could to prevent my loved ones from suffering that i didn't realize that i was absolutely not helping them but just adding confusion in their lives which ultimately would lead to other types of pain...

.... i am no Superman ... but i am a Soldier ...

Then i froze....

CLICK TO PLAY




... and a flow of questions invaded my head :

" why am i doing this ? do i have to go through all of this ? isn't this too much ? what's the limit ? is there one ? am i strong enough... physically ? mentally ? "

an hour later, i made the call :
- Mother, i'm not going to China, i'm calling to give you my resignation as the leader of the team.
- Excuse me ? are you out of your mind ?
- No, i'm actually very serious... here i am rushing to airports, missing flights, waiting for extremly long hours in airports trying to make it somewhere, when i don't necessarily have to !
- So it's all about you !! You're the only responsible for the flights you missed !!!! and now you're complaining because things are getting complicated ? because you have to wait ? because you fell a bit of pressure ? You're so spoiled, i almost regret hiring you... i knew things like this were going to happen but on the first assignment ? wow !

( silence... then she puts me on speakerphone, because she supposedly "needs to be typing an email")

- It's absolutely not about me, it's about David who's been working for you for more than 5 years now, who has so much more experience than me, who's been my assistant for the past 2 weeks when he has everything to be the best leader on this project ! It's about not accepting responsibilities just because they're handed and and because the pay is nice ! It's about auto-evaluation, knowing my skills, and not stepping over people just because i'm the boss' son ! It's about realizing that i accepted the job for the symbolic reason of successfully realizing my first assignment on a new job... when in reality i'm not ready for it ! It's about humility and realism. I'm tired ! Mom, i'm just 21.... i can't be doing all of this already, tryin to kill myself everyday at the other end of the world... sleeping 3 hours a night, dealing with the look on people's faces because they doubt that i have enough experience for the job...i can do that... you know me... but not 24/7 when there are other people who i can share tasks with...

( silence )
Then she chuckles.
- What's going on ?
- You had your ticket from Montreal to Paris... but we never got you a ticket to China... You never really were gonna be the leader of team.... i needed to see how fast you can prepare for a job, how committed you'd be to the project and to the deadlines, and i needed to see if you'd just sit in the comfortable manager seat without asking questions just because you're my son.
- Mom !!!!!!
- (Then David starts speaking and i realize he was the reason why i'd been put on speakerphone) I'm proud of you for not failing this test young man... it's a pleasure to work with honest and smart people. i'll talk to you later.

( silence as David leaves her office)
- As your boss, i'm proud of your decision, as your mother i'm sad though because i was excited, thinking i was going to see you in Paris for a while.
- Mom.... if you want to seee me all you have to do is say so, why do you have so much trouble expressing your feeelings ?
- (laughs) that's just me. i'm busy. i'll talk to you later "

It's amazing how pressing the red button on a cell phone can automatically give so much stress relief... it took me an hour to get over the fact that once again my mother had "tested" me. I knew accepting to work for her was accepting one of the biggest challenges but i thought it would start at work.... that was underestimating "the tigress" (as they call her).

I'm just 21... i've been working my ass off for years for one of the biggest hotel chains, never resting, constantly going around the world, always taking challenges one after the other....

Right now i need to focus on college : classes, exams, papers... and my social life : friends, birthdays, engagement parties, weddings... and sleeping, and watching tv !!!!! and chilling a little bit... having other things than deadlines and stress in my head...

... because being young only happens once and i'm offered a chance to slow down.... that's exactly what i'm gonna be doing... at least on the professional level.. (grin)

It's time to let go of all that damn stress, take care of myself, express myself and share more than random posts.... do it differently, do it the way only I can

Step into my world...