The Passion Within...

1 year...

2009-09-29T09:57:00.009-03:00

... took me to the 4 corners of this world.

Showed me the best & the worst in human nature.

Made me wonder what my purpose in this life could be.

Allowed me to understand how much power i have.

...

Let me gather my thoughts and i'll be back. hopefully.

Can't fight no more !

2008-10-15T14:25:00.003-03:00

Sunday afternoon.
Officially, I was studying at the libray for one of the many professional exams im taking as a part of my hustle to add another digit to my paycheck, but really i was praying for somebody to come and take me away to a remote island where i could just "chill" ( Hey Shawn i know you love that word). I drowned in my thoughts for about an hour till i decided that only a good cup of coffee would save my day.

To my surprise, when i got back, there was an unknown piece of blue paper at the end of my table. Since i don't do colored paper (lol), it couldn't be mine so i proceeded to use a pen to push that piece of filth away from my sacred notebooks... until it turned over and i saw my name on it. Heartbeat. Stop. Breathe. Resume Heartbeat. ok.

In half a second i forgot all my public locations hygiene concerns, grabbed that lil' blue bastard and opened it so quickly it almost got torn apart.

" Biting your lips, staring at the ceiling, closing your eyes, breathing heavily, smiling... You have strange habits... it almost looks like you were involved in some other, more intimate activity... how's the non-studying going ? "

Eyes rolling really fast. I got up and looked around. Nobody i knew... " what is this ? "
Didn't wanna look too confused in case the friend who was pranking me was watching so i put my earphones back on and i finally opened my books.

I surprisingly managed to get 3 hours of serious studying. It's nothing but oh well...
So i picked my things up, and headed to the gym which happens to be located right behind the library, ain't destiny conspiring in my favor ? yes i know, it's great !

On my locker @ the gym, another blue note. I was like " oh please, what is this ? "
I opened it :
" Amazing how you finally got your conentration back... do you need more of these notes to motivate you ? "
I chuckled. It was definitely one of my friends pranking me. I sighed, relief. Those boys are really retarded.
So i headed to my spinning class ( Does anybody else do spinning, ain't it just wild ? ), lifted a few weights, sweated it out some more on the treadmill and came back to get a shower.
And, you guessed it, as i returned to my locker, another blue note :
" Nice :-) "
I looked annoyed but god knows i was faking it. This person was taking it far but it was a fun game, plus it's always nice to get compliments, he he.
Thinking of fun games... i realized had never seen the sauna, so i decided i could check it out to see what kinda random activities happen there. None. Oh there was sexiness but no talking, just a lil' eye contact here and there... stressful. After 5 minutes that seemed to last like 5 forevers, I came back disappointed :-(

Heartbeat. Stop. Cold wind. No air. Warm wind. Brain activated. Resume Heartbeat.
Here he was, in nothing but a towel, slidin another blue note in my locker : The man from my previous post, the hottie from work.
I closed my eyes and shook my head. This couldn't be happening to me.

The glass wall

2008-10-09T01:28:00.001-03:00

He's 22...

... so am i.

Smart...

... This is not.

Funny...

... how things must always be complicated.

Handsome...

... is the physical apperance of the sweetest sins.

Athletic...

... too much eye candy = visual diabetes.

Thoughtful...

... soften the guards and they ultimately fall

Respectful...

... what choice does he have ? i'm his boss.

Fresh...

... making everyday different

Sexy...

... Pure lust.

One morning i wrote this with the intention of posting it :

@ 5 : 29 am, i'm blogging about him

@ 7:30, i'll be in the shower anticipating

@ 8:30, i'll see him and perform my critically-acclaimed " cold-hearted manager " act for the morning briefing, carefully managing to avoid any contact with his incredibly sexy caramel eyes.

@ 8:31, i'll throw myself on my chair and bite my lips

All morning he'll swim innocently, carefree, smiling like a big kid around my thoughts...

@ lunch i'll speak to another manager about getting him transferred to another team so he can learn more tricks and come back when he gains maturity. I have no space for newbies.

By 5 pm i'll have accomplished my plan to send him far away from me, even if it's just physically... and i'll open up my shirt, take my tie off and finally breathe !!!!!!

The things you have to do to take a fire hot sexy black man out of your sight to get your concentration back...

I had completely forgotten about that draft.

The update is that my plan worked perfectly.

But today, a week later... i just can't take it anymore. He's giving me the puppy eyes treatment, he creates occasions to be alone with me and asks me how long he's gonna have to stay with that other team for which he's clearly overqualified.

Ok I have to find something quick... something like : " i wanted to see if you'd stand up to me and fight to get back in the team "... because i really have to get him back in my department, he's a good one... BUT i have to find a way to keep him away from me... he's CLEARLY interested... he told one of my spies that he'd do whatever it takes to get to me and that he'd be fine with whatever i would choose to let him have... OH SHIT ! A man with a plan ! lol
(Oh... and yes i have spies with the duty of letting me know what's going on the non-professional level in the team...)

I'm not gonna have somebody around who's so eager to get close to me... that doesn't do any good to the job. I can't get rid of him because he has potential for decades. If he stays he needs to calm the f@%& down...

... and he seriously needs new more baggy clothes... lol... i will not work with someone i'm constantly checkin' out...

AAAAAAAAARRRG !!!!!

N.E.R.G.

2008-10-03T01:06:00.004-03:00

So while Miss Jackson was busy collapsing for mysterious reasons...
(Click here to read about it)

The next day another artist, Sir Pharrell Williams, graced the city of Montreal with his presence and sent us to N.E.R.D. heaven... which is crazy since N.E.R.D means Nobody Ever Really Dies so... heaven... a continuation of life... nobody ever really dies... get the link ? oh jesus, i am such a nerd ! <- N.E.R.D., yay ! ok.... i'll stop here :-)

The venue was PACKED with hysterical die-hard fans, the energy was no joke ! I spent most of the show on the side of the stage because i was the official wardrobe assistant for 2 of my dancer friends who participated in the show but hey ! i got to hop on stage with the man himself - Pharrell - during an interlude to help him pick girls from the audience who'd come up on stage to dance - a.k.a be his groupies lol...
But damn, he is SHOOOOORT !!!! ok i'm 6'2", most people are short to me but he's just TINY !

He was really cool though. After the show the whole crew was backstage and did their lil' 2-step to celebrate the end of another good show. Pharrell looked like " happy feet " while shaking his lil' tiny body parts LOL

I was thinking to myself out loud : " this boy is a real teenager " and one of his crew members confirmed that he'd always been the same " happy feet " character.

It got me thinking... i observed my friends, and later than night myself... my mind went from N.E.R.D. to N.E.R.G : Nobody Ever Really Grows...

I've been through so much in this life but yet i always find myself making the same weird squirrel noises at random times, i still eat baby food late at night watching Spongebob (i adore Spongebob), always feel comforted by the smell of tea, still sit on the floor to read the newspaper, still love to take some time off and visit an uncle and run his errands , my grandma still gives me her spare change so i can "learn how to save"... small dumb things that keep me grounded and remind me that even though maturity kidnapped me, i'm still somebody's baby. i love it.

One day my boss had an emergency and had to come to my place to get some work-related papers... to this day he still laughs at the sight he had when i opened the door with my very serious glasses and my Market Analysis folder in hand contrasting with the huge Spongebob slippers i was wearing... i lov'em, they're funky ! lol Then i found out that the man SUCKS HIS THUMB when he's stressed out... and fakes it as if he was biting his nails !!! Now THAT was funnY !

So i'm wonderin, what are the habits from your childhood you guys can't get rid of ?

its 2 am and my day is ruined already

2008-10-01T03:00:00.002-03:00

Because of this :

http://rodonline.typepad.com/rodonline/2008/09/rb-singer-joe-n.html#comments

i mean... seriously... no. i refuse.

Even my nephews in Paris understand the importance of these US elections and they're 13.

The heat !

2008-09-26T11:55:00.001-03:00

Sometimes i get in that zone where everything becomes pretty unexplainable and i write a metaphorical post like the last one... What it means is that something big is coming soldier's way, something uncontrollable, usually something hard to swallow or just plain terrible.

2 days after the post i was officially single.
The sad news is the separation.... but we're still in really good terms, he's still one of the best people in my world..... ( and now he's gonna read that and get conceited... smh )
It's one hard thing to have a Long Distance Relationship with someone who's located far away, but with someone like me who's just everywhere... it must be hell. Props 2 him for trying HARD.

The GOOD news though is that i am single and ON FIRE. It's as if the hot spot had been put on ME only in this whole city... girls, guys, single, in a relationship, separated, white, black, mixed, arabic, asian and everything in-between, hoes, saints, bi-curious, gay... they R on MY CASE like a CSI crew...
I get between 5 and 10 voice messages on my phone everyday from people who insist on getting in my space ("getting to know me") and text messages galore !!!!!!

3 different supposedly straight dudes (that i met randomly in college... basketball team etc) that i have on my messenger are now at a point where they canNOT spend a day without talking to me anymore... and even though im just in a t-shirt and shorts doin nothin of interest, they go crazy if i dont have my cam on.

To add to the madness, i just got my sexy on with a good haircut, manicure/pedicure, massages so im relaxed and smiling, freshly shaved to confirm the smoothness of the chocolate skin :-) ahhh black men, we are the shiznit !

While the gods of Whore-opia are yelling at me, begging me to slut it out... i'm trying to get out of this safe (and healthy), with no ill feelings, frustration or broken hearts...
Broken hearts tend to make people bitter and frustration is the germ that gives birth to stalkers so... both are dangerous.

But damn, right now i'm feeling THE HEAT and it does feel good to sweat...

I need to get in touch with my accomplice right now and plan something for this weekend, hot-single-style... all this temptation is good for the skin lol

**

today's mood inspired by : www.kurtbrownstudio.com
Just click that link and blush (not safe @ work... as usual)

Preview:

and THIS TRACK :

The Pussycat Dolls - Magic

It sucks to be a hero

2008-07-29T18:55:00.000-03:00

It felt like a giant magnet was pulling my world its way...

As i opened my eyes, i saw the room spin for a second then my eyes got heavy.

And the pressure... it felt like my brain was crushing my whole system on its way out of my head.

Maybe i had just blinked or i fell back asleep and woke up a second time but things suddenly got different :

I was being pulled out of bed by something that was stronger than me.
I was floating above the ground, zooming on every detail of my surroundings.
My eyes were wide open and i was scared.

Then something started burning my eyes... after a second i opened them again and realized it was only the sun. and i was outside. But never had the sun been so bright.

As it always was, Nature was just there... frozen.
Only this time it was pale, strange as if the sun was only shining on me... i felt the stares as if everything was paused until something specific happened.... to me.

Then came that sound, that low sound, that weird sound, that vicious sound that would haunt me like a restless ghost forever.

Right then and there i felt it, my body was cold, i couldn't move and whatever " it " was, it was getting closer... and closer... and closer...

.. and closer ...

... until IT happened

I had no idea what it was but i knew it was terrible and it would leave a deep scar.

As i looked down at my body to make sure i was still alive, i saw it. on my arm.

I looked up to the sky and knew that the second i lowered my head nothing would ever be the same.

Right here in the North Pole i was the first eskimo... to ever get bit by a mosquito.

***

Oh God... those first seconds when you're the only one to know something terrible is coming your way and you realize the weight that has just been put on your shoulders...

It sucks to be a hero

Today....

2008-06-15T14:15:00.000-03:00

... i cried the 22 years of tears that my body was holding ...

No tragedy happened and i'm so thankful to god but unfortunately it means that some people around me will get their fair share of some of the pain i let go of...

Usually by the time they know what's going on, i'd already be over it and they'd once again feel like i'm cold and selfish... and once again i'd feel trapped because sometimes for many reasons you just can't explain things to people even when their eyes start to water...

But this time, i will take the time to express my true feelings to each of them because honesty is by far the best gift i'll ever have for them... By sparing too many people " just a little pain ", i've accumulated so much... I know pain... and i spent so much energy trying as much as i could to prevent my loved ones from suffering that i didn't realize that i was absolutely not helping them but just adding confusion in their lives which ultimately would lead to other types of pain...

.... i am no Superman ... but i am a Soldier ...

STDPHOBIA

2008-05-20T02:49:00.002-03:00

As i curled up in my chair at the hospital, shivering and sweating, it all came back to my head... the most horrible wave of fear so far this year...

Yesterday, I took a friend to get the results of a med test, and it is now confirmed that he has a weird case of herpes....

I was sitting in my chair, staring at the ceiling like " how am i gonna get out of this ? "

I must be one of the most paranoidically cursed men in the world when it comes to stds... those bitches ruined my sex life and i need to get those images outta my head...

I might get turned from a distance but get me close to a naked body and i swear its like a hammer, the std nightmare hits me and takes control of my body... with every lick, the hammer hits me on the head and all i can hear is "std ", i can count the number of times i went wild during sex (especially oral) and let my hormones take control...

i'm like : " forget being the freakiest man in the world, im not gonna learn from a piece of paper that i have to carry some kinda disease all my life, especially something like herpes that i might not notice for years... " but at the same time am i also never gonna enjoy sex with no std thoughts ?

Sometimes i pray to have the thoughts during sex, because if i get them AFTER, then it aint a nightmare anymore, its REAL, its a mix of guilt, fear and remorse and i get cold and have trouble finding sleep...

These past months, thanks to the tender loving care of my teddy bear, i thought i was on the good path to get some kinda cure but events like this, a close friend stuck with that herpes bullshit, make me go back to the start....

Is everybody else enjoying life innocently ? Am i the only one cringing when i see raw porn and spit swapping? How the #%@ do i get out of this ?

I'm positively crazy...

2008-05-13T03:58:00.008-03:00

... reading all my previous posts i typed in english which is supposed to be a foreign language to me, all i have to say is that i'm crazy, i make myself smile... and that's a good thing...

Yes i've disappeared again... for way too long but as my step-bro Alksndr always says " life is what happens while you're busy making god laugh with your so-called plans " and my plan was to have a very active year on blogger ... (and yes i know there's only one vowel in my brother's first name but technically u really dont need any others to pronounce "Alexander") ...

Right after the Xmas festivities i started going wild with business(mainly) trips

that took me to :
Vancouver, Toronto, Quebec city, Boston, Philadelphia, Baltimore, New York, Miami, Atlanta, Washington DC, Houston, San Juan, Dallas, Las Vegas, Seattle, Los Angeles, Salt Lake City, Aspen, Palm Springs, Orlando, San Diego, Tijuana / Puerto Vallarta / Cancun /Acapulco (Mexico), Nassau (Bahamas), Hong Kong, Taipei, New Delhi, Beijing, Tokyo, Paris, Milan, London, Barcelona, Roma, Athens, andTel-Aviv...

i might have forgotten some but i think the point is clear.. i was "slightly" busy lol

The first of January 2008 my 21 years-old ass decided that i was done with 5-digit yearly incomes so understand my hustle my friends... i gotta get to those 6 digits by the end of the year since i'm temporarily in charge of my younger sister's education and finances... *sigh*

So right now i'm taking a 2 weeks break to spend some time with some friends and family before getting back on the road for the most intense part, that i call the yo-yo. Basically im gonna be going back and forth between the middle east (Israel, Dubai), Africa (Senegal, Ivory Coast and Morocco) and Paris (France) for 3 months non-stop, pray for me kids :-)

but right now i'm here, still black / still tall / still in love with seafood / still annoyed by retards lol... and of course still trying to motivate the people around me to become better people so their positive energy can contribute to my well being :-)

im also trying to figure out how i'm going to make my long-distance relationship [ 6 months and still going strong, i luv u teddy bear :-) ] work if both of us keep on travelling and makin' the distances bigger... but that's another post.

My coffee is ready, i'm off to your blogs my lil' buddies... prepare for the invasion, soldier is in the f*@&#$^*! house :-)

P.S. : Jensen Atwood and gay are 2 separate concepts that have absolutely nothing to do with each other... (alert major sarcasm), that's the conclusion i make after seeing such things :

Jensen in Dante's Cove : Click here
(warning : you know me, it's very graphic)

... and i've never seen him in anything else than extreme (in a raunchy or corny way) gay things, Jensen, Jensen, Jensen (grin), we need to have a talk or five...

The 5-year plan / wtf ???

2008-01-08T00:05:00.000-04:00

First,

i like to know who i'm surrounded by so im curious to know " what's next for you ? what's your plan ? what motivates you ? why do you wake up in the morning ? " but instead of asking all those here's a simple question :

where do you see yourself in 5 years ?

Second,

Please check this out and let me know what you think :
http://www.umich.edu/news/index.html?BG/317descr
It's just.. wow

because we're more than human...

2007-12-05T23:55:00.000-04:00

i'm a dreamer

i'm a lover

i believe in life after death.

i see god in other people's eyes.

i'm a fighter

i know what's mine : everything i want

i'm an angel, i forgive and forget... but i'm also a wise man...
i remember the lesson

i dont think i'm human,i just think my body is

i deserve peace, love, joy and i get them because my arms are open and i share them because they don't belong to me

There's a higher being in each of us,
hiding it below superficial layers is a personal choice.

This is dedicated to my friend Alicia and to all the others who make wrong choices... like letting their shell melt into their pores and become a part of them.

It's important to be surrounded by people... the right people... it's called a selection of people, because not everybody is good for you and if they're not... the twisted thing is that it doesn't make them bad.

Some things can be shaken off and they should, to make space for those who hold on to us...
As misery loves company, drama seems to love accumulation... it's easier to let go of something before anyhing else makes it more complicated...

Life is so much more than actions, than thoughts, than yesterday, today, and even tomorrow...

I hope the holiday season will inspire all of us
to become more than the random, confused and weak individuals this society is making us
to meditate on our lives and never stop trying to improve instead of wasting our potential...

I believe the new year turns a new page if you're ready to welcome changes, i start the process at the beginning of the month... because getting ready for change takes a lot of meditation... and meditation takes time.

and if you're too agitated to meditate, here's help ! lol
do it like this guy right here :

© Kurt Brown. www.kurtbrownsstudios.com

CRANK DAT SOULJA BOY - AFRICAN REMIX!!!

2007-11-26T22:34:00.001-04:00

Just to show you how far the " problem goes " lol

The dance in the second one is crazier, those guys need help ! Lol

You can only pull this off....

2007-11-14T20:22:00.000-04:00

... in a European context (i.e. European model & photographer) because it's too much for the others... lol

Imagine this ad on large billboards in the middle of downtown Paris and people not even paying attention because well...
1. it's an artistic concept and art is what it is
2. it's just another naked man ( a sexy one ! )

Yes in the beginning it kinda shocked some, made people react, but it took them only a few minutes to get back to their daily lives.
This man actually brought sexy fuzziness back and gave us a break from the waxed italian models...
thanks dude.

Now, this... just makes me happy... taken @ a recent L.A. photoshoot,
my man David Beckham :

I really don't know what to say about this picture, it just makes me happy :-)
L.A. is bringing the best out of ya Dave, welcome to America !

What is now called metrosexuality is just being mediterranean to me... have you seen all the greek/roman statues of naked pretty boys in their best "fashion magazine poses" ?

or wrestling naked ?
I mean... who wrestles naked ? lol
They were always posing/portrayed naked because nudity showed them in their " most honest and complete " form...

Those boys knew how to have fun !

Did you know that back in the day in that area (Greece, Italy...), it was normal for a mature and wealthy+intellectual heterosexual+married male to have one (or a few) boy(s) under his " protection " ? And that women were not allowed to disturb them during their " private time " ?
Men who knew how to " make the most " out of their companions were considered wiser... lol

We need the "Greek/Roman god" concept to be applied to all men regardless of their sexual orientation in more ads/photoshoots...
eye candy is good for the brain !

Then i froze....

2007-11-05T15:15:00.000-04:00

CLICK TO PLAY

... and a flow of questions invaded my head :

" why am i doing this ? do i have to go through all of this ? isn't this too much ? what's the limit ? is there one ? am i strong enough... physically ? mentally ? "

an hour later, i made the call :
- Mother, i'm not going to China, i'm calling to give you my resignation as the leader of the team.
- Excuse me ? are you out of your mind ?
- No, i'm actually very serious... here i am rushing to airports, missing flights, waiting for extremly long hours in airports trying to make it somewhere, when i don't necessarily have to !
- So it's all about you !! You're the only responsible for the flights you missed !!!! and now you're complaining because things are getting complicated ? because you have to wait ? because you fell a bit of pressure ? You're so spoiled, i almost regret hiring you... i knew things like this were going to happen but on the first assignment ? wow !

( silence... then she puts me on speakerphone, because she supposedly "needs to be typing an email")

- It's absolutely not about me, it's about David who's been working for you for more than 5 years now, who has so much more experience than me, who's been my assistant for the past 2 weeks when he has everything to be the best leader on this project ! It's about not accepting responsibilities just because they're handed and and because the pay is nice ! It's about auto-evaluation, knowing my skills, and not stepping over people just because i'm the boss' son ! It's about realizing that i accepted the job for the symbolic reason of successfully realizing my first assignment on a new job... when in reality i'm not ready for it ! It's about humility and realism. I'm tired ! Mom, i'm just 21.... i can't be doing all of this already, tryin to kill myself everyday at the other end of the world... sleeping 3 hours a night, dealing with the look on people's faces because they doubt that i have enough experience for the job...i can do that... you know me... but not 24/7 when there are other people who i can share tasks with...

( silence )
Then she chuckles.
- What's going on ?
- You had your ticket from Montreal to Paris... but we never got you a ticket to China... You never really were gonna be the leader of team.... i needed to see how fast you can prepare for a job, how committed you'd be to the project and to the deadlines, and i needed to see if you'd just sit in the comfortable manager seat without asking questions just because you're my son.
- Mom !!!!!!
- (Then David starts speaking and i realize he was the reason why i'd been put on speakerphone) I'm proud of you for not failing this test young man... it's a pleasure to work with honest and smart people. i'll talk to you later.

( silence as David leaves her office)
- As your boss, i'm proud of your decision, as your mother i'm sad though because i was excited, thinking i was going to see you in Paris for a while.
- Mom.... if you want to seee me all you have to do is say so, why do you have so much trouble expressing your feeelings ?
- (laughs) that's just me. i'm busy. i'll talk to you later "

It's amazing how pressing the red button on a cell phone can automatically give so much stress relief... it took me an hour to get over the fact that once again my mother had "tested" me. I knew accepting to work for her was accepting one of the biggest challenges but i thought it would start at work.... that was underestimating "the tigress" (as they call her).

I'm just 21... i've been working my ass off for years for one of the biggest hotel chains, never resting, constantly going around the world, always taking challenges one after the other....

Right now i need to focus on college : classes, exams, papers... and my social life : friends, birthdays, engagement parties, weddings... and sleeping, and watching tv !!!!! and chilling a little bit... having other things than deadlines and stress in my head...

... because being young only happens once and i'm offered a chance to slow down.... that's exactly what i'm gonna be doing... at least on the professional level.. (grin)

It's time to let go of all that damn stress, take care of myself, express myself and share more than random posts.... do it differently, do it the way only I can

Step into my world...